Dear Myself

I have grown into a better person that will not make anymore mistakes with life. I have grown because I wanted to, not because society wants me to. I am mature for my age because I stand for what is right, and bring down what is wrong. I tried things once, and some things I let go, and some things I just can't stop.

I drink, but only on certain circumstances. I do not drink to get drunk, but I drink to get a buzz and then I am done. I have made a mistake where I got really wasted one day, and no one stopped me from drinking. I cannot hold my alcohol, as I understand, and when there are one too many drinks in me, I can either black out or vomit my stomach out. There are people that know who has seen me that way, and I will not let that happen again.

I smoke, and I cannot stop that. I admit that I am a smoker, but I know that I can quit. I was introduced to smoking a year ago, due to an old attraction I had with someone. He told me not to, but it was not fair that he could smoke and that I could not. It is my life, and that is how I live it.

I did take a hit of weed once, but it was not too much. I cannot say that I liked it, but I did not do too much to get high. That is something that I will think about, but I will probably drop it in the future when I have my life straightened out.

I stole things, and that is a mistake. I learned my consequences, and I will not do it again. I slap thoughts out of my head about stealing, and I live every day wanting to steal. Though what can I do? I tell myself no and move on with life.

I had my share of relationships that brought me to understand the good of having them, and the bad of having them. I thank a few certain boys that helped me mend my life; Chris, Jay, Kelvin, Kris, and Ray, I thank you all for being there when I needed it. I thank you all for helping me out with things. I don't talk to any of you that much anymore, but just know that I am thinking of how great everyone of you helped me.

Now that I am growing and realizing my life, I figured that I need to move on and just go with the flow of things. Do I see myself as an adult? Yes, I do. I make the right choices, and I need to keep on doing so. I need to be in a relationship that will grasp my attention, and I need a guy that will tell me "no" when I do something bad.

I want him to tell me that I matter to him, and that he does not want anything to happen to me. I want a guy that will be there when I need him, when I need to talk to him at three in the morning. I want to spend countless hours with him, and make every minute count. I need a guy that I can laugh with, and he picks on my flaws so I can realize them so I can be a better person. I want a guy to call me before I go to bed so he can tell me about his day, or just make me laugh before I sleep.

Now, I am not looking for anyone. I have my mind set on one man right now, and he does a lot to keep me interested in him. At least once a week we talk about things that matter, and then we goof off. Even if he is far away, I feel so close to him.

I will be leaving San Diego in the next 12 months, and I am going to miss it here. I will be going to college in a different state, and I will be closer to said person I described above. He will make me realize what I do not need in life. I do not need the alcohol, I do not need the drugs, and I do not need the smoking. Just having him in my life will give me enough support to live on and do good with life.

So, when I leave here, I will remember a lot that has gone on with my life. I just need to get out of this place, out of California. I will miss my family, but this will be a better thing for me. I will be happier, and when I come back, there will be a lot of stories to be told.

Life goes on, and things happen for a reason.

Love thy self and keep on moving forward.

Teenagers

I do not understand why you teenagers have a feel to start drama with other people. Please, learn your place. Not everyone wants to be pulled into the bullshit that you want to start. Life your fucking life, and live it without stressing other people out.

I absolutely HATE when teenagers pull me into shit such like that, which is why I surround myself with people who have a mentality as an adult. That is why I do not hang out with younger people, except for a select few.

Learn to grow up.

Learn to appreciate life.

I especially hate it when people try to start shit with me and they do not even know me in person.

You do not know how I act.

You do not know how I talk.

You do not know how I dress.

You cannot judge people by the pictures that you see on your computer screen, and you cannot judge someone's personality by reading words.

Grow up, please.

All of you.

Thinking...

I sat down and thought about a lot of things that happened with my life so far. I feel as if I finished a chapter in my life, and I am starting a new one. There are things that I never want to get myself into again, and there are things that I want to do again. My life chapters have been made, and I have been going through a series of changes with my life.

Are there changes for the best? I think so, because I have grown as a person. I have grown to be a better person making better decisions. This year I have been through a lot, and those things has shaped me as a person.

There are times that have been rough, but I toughed it out and I made it a learning experience for me. I brought myself up this year, and I know I can make it as an adult. There are set goals I have made for myself, and I know I can grow from that.

I am going to get a job, I am going to get a car, I am going to get an apartment, and I am going to be doing things differently.

I am growing older with each day that goes by, and I am dying each that day goes by. Life is too short and I only have done so much.

My mind functions at a rate that no one understands, which is why I keep things to myself unless I am writing them down. There are people who say that I am too young to worry about anything in life, but I am not too young. I know what I want, and I will get what I work for.

Life is not just fun and games.

I am out of high school, and I have nothing to lose. Time is short.

For all those teenagers; have fun while you can. Once your years are over, you will be slapped in the face with reality.

Reality is harder than it looks.

What is love?

Everyone has one thing in common, and that is the matter of what stirs up inside of him or her. It is a strong emotion that one conveys when they are with their significant other, or with something that they like the most. This emotion is love. No one knows what it is for sure, but it happens. The question is what is love anyway? Love comes in a certain price, but that does not stop people from loving, people love from deep down within them and they learn to respect each other.

Love is a controversy that people like to discuss about the most. Not everyone can grasp the main concept of what it is. People will think that love is something that stirs up deep down inside of them, from the soul and to the heart. Love is something that sparks within the heart of someone. A sense of happiness extends from within them and they express that love for the other.

Trust is what holds the emotion together. If one does not trust the other, then where is the love to that? When there is no trust, then there would be disappointment involved. It is one concept that introduces key elements to a relationship, from communication and to care for each other. Trust is the big source of everything, because if there were no trust, there would be no communication and silence will become between the couple. The silence would lead to nothing, therefore leading it to disappointment and false (or true) accusations between the two. In a past experience, I have known how it felt to be disappointment. My trust with him had faltered when I learned that he had cheated on me, he was being untruthful and he was being dishonest. That ruined the trusted bond that I had with him, and I would never go back to that same person. Trust is just a number one thing for me, and, maybe, everyone else.
I never experienced what love was, but I had a close feeling to it. In my past relationship, I had discovered a connection with the person I was with. By trusting him, I thought that I was well in love. He seemed to be interested in me, and I continued to be interested in him. That is another aspect in love, to feel the connection with someone.

It is not love if you do not want to be by their side every day, because in a real relationship, people spend their every waking moment with them. Going back to the story, I thought everything was well, and I thought that I was falling in love with him. In truth, there was an uncertain trust he had with himself. He felt that he wanted to be with me, but then his ex-girlfriend started to talk to him again and he wanted to be with her. Another point is to have trust in you and no one should be unsure if they love someone if they talk to another person that would affect the way that they are feeling towards the person they are within that moment in time.
Love is not a thing that someone should be unsure about. When someone feels it, they should be able to look at their significant other and tell them that no one else matters to them. What I mean is that if they look at another woman or man, that woman or man should not be in their eye. Sure there would be a certain pull that will make them seem attracted to that person, but when they turn back to look at their loved one, they could be honest and tell them that person was attractive. Though it should not make them start arguing about something as such as that, it was a moment of time that someone else was attractive and nothing else will change their opinion about their significant other.

Again, no one can really define what love is to him or her, but it is certain that it involves a lot of trust. Relationships take time to evolve, and the trust evolves with it. With trust it builds communication, and with communication it builds a stronger connection to the two people in love. Therefore, love is a certain emotion that everyone gets involved with at least once in his or her lifetime. Once it develops, people can figure out if they like the feeling of love or they could fear the emotion of love. I have met people that do not like the meaning of love, and there is a good explanation for it.

Love can be disappointing. No one gets what they want all the time, and not everyone is lucky with a relationship. When there is no certain connection between couples, it could be disappointing. It is not all fun and games to most of the people in the world, and love could be tough. In countries like India, the daughters usually do not have an option to love a man before they marry, so it is highly disappointing to the young woman. Though in time they can find a love for their husband, but often, it does not happen right away unless they have a certain connection that they share.

Love is not easy, and love is hard to come by. Finding a person you connect with at a certain level can be difficult. This is why some couples do not get along at first, but as time goes on, they have a connection. Everyone seems to be in a rush to be in love, and it takes time. Considering this, have you been in love? It is a difficult answer, because there is no absolute answer. Not everyone feels love the same way.

I don't know...

Lately I have been thinking about my future.

I want to have a stable job.
I want to get married.
I want to get a house.
I want to have a kid.

I am not sure if I can do it all.

I want to do this when I am still young, when I am in my twenties.

I had a dream once when I had all of these things.

I want it to happen.

Though, I am not sure if I will be grasping this dream just yet.

Let me explain.

I do not know what to say anymore to my life.

I push people away because I do not want them to care about me. I want them to forget that I ever existed, so that they [and I] can move on with life. There is nothing that I can do for them, and there is nothing that they could do for me. You know what? I am tired of trying for other people, and I hate being the one people go to when they are in trouble with something. I can say that I only want my true friends caring about me.

I do not want anyone else to because they lie to me, and then they turn their backs on me when I need it the most.

I only want Roger, Julianne, Anika, Jay, Regina, Rob, Michael, and Zack to know what is going on with my life. No one else matters, and I do not care what you people think. Sure, I care for other people, but I do not want them to really care about me.

If you do care about me, speak up and tell me, I want to test you on how much you care.

No Freedom

I have no personal freedom.

I am still considered a child with my parents. I hate it, I hate it all. Does it matter if I am still seventeen and I am doing adult things?

I do not do drugs.

I do not make the wrong choices.

I understand myself.

I know not to get into situations that will make me regret what I do.

I hang out with responsible adults.

I am not a kid anymore and they do not understand.

My parents are stuck up assholes.